Emotional Puke Bucket

Nostalgia

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:01:43 GMT

I was going through my pictures this afternoon, really going through them, not the perfunctory glance I usually do when looking for that one picture to slap up for the internets. And I realized how many I didn't have. Years and years missing, broken up by parties where I had bothered to break out my digital camera. No problem though, surely I had more in my photo albums. But when I reached back to take a look I remembered they were all in storage. Every physical photo save the 3 I have in my room right now, are in Sacramento.
I am homesick in a bad way. I don't even have the things to help me reminisce. These are the kinds of things that make it hard to stay and finish. 3 years in Monterey, and maybe 4 more after that in New York. I think about taking a break in between so I can get up the will to leave everyone again, to lock everything else in storage to go further than before, but the danger of that is simply never getting the will to leave. I'm so easily distracted, waylaid by anything and everything. I worry I'll just think of an excuse to stay, maybe redo some units until Berkley accepts me so I don't have to go so far, but I won't.
I constantly stop myself and check to see if optometry is really the thing I want to go for the rest of my life, and it is, without a doubt. But it's much harder to keep pressing on than I thought before.

doh!

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:38:03 GMT

Last night I plugged my phone into the office charger so I'd have it available in Atlanta. This morning, I woke up, got ready in less time that I had planned and left for SFO. You know, without my phone. Goood job! I'm sure (after the fact) that I could have turned around and picked it up since I had just made it to Mace blvd when i realized it. But since the bridge was closed, I wasn't really sure if I could make it....
Ah well. So if anyone wants to contact me, it's going to have to be through e-mail. This might be a little bit of a problem since I'm waiting for a call back on not only the school's pest control company (my room included ants) but also a call back for a job.

So, no phone until Friday night... but I'm really not that popular so I doubt it's a problem.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 05:41:56 GMT

SHIT!
CSUMB decided to change their financial aid deferment date from October to Friday. This Friday. My aid has 3 days to get her before I'm disenrolled.
I'm hoping I can get this waved, for this semester. Otherwise, I'm totally fucked because in no way do I have that amount of money.

A little bit late

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:30:00 GMT

I was wasting time re-reading old journal entries and came across this little gem.
1. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Let's see... that would make me 27. Probably balancing the tail end of my education with a job and a household, and about 10 lbs skinnier from lack of eating. I spend a lot of time eating carrots and things that can be snacked on because I hardly have time to either make myself food during the day or the money pick it up. I'm probably stressing over being pregnant, for better or worse.

LIES! none of those things happened.
I've actually got 2 more years before my BS is done... another 4 on top of that if I go post grad
25 lbs heavier thankyouverymuch
And, right now, I'm not stressing over being preggers. That was totally 4 months ago! (*cough*NoBabies*cough*)
The only thing that's true is my continued insistence that carrots by themselves constitutes a meal... also I'm broke.

Also, ironic much?

Things I miss since quitting beef (and becoming a mostly vegitarian)

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 21:32:18 GMT

Salami - nothing really tastes better with crackers and brie than dry salami
Hamburgers - It's the smell of them on the BBQ, not so much the actual taste. I've discovered the longer I go without meat, the worse it smells, and hamburger in general retains the smell it had before it's been cooked; rotting and sour.
Steak: mostly for the physical pleasure of eating it. There's nothing like fillet minion.
Spaghetti: The texture isn't right without ground beef.
Tri-Tip Sandwiches: I no longer know what to order with my beer during dinner.

Other than that, there's not much to miss. Granted, I didn't go full Veg, just cut out the beef. By circumstance lamb has been looped in with it due to the fact I rarely get presented with the oppertunity to have lamb and I've never much cared for pork. Poultry and sushi are still on the menu.

I don't know if I should happy or sad

Thu, 28 May 2009 06:23:00 GMT

Since I've been back to VSP, I've had just about everyone ask me how it is being back from school. Really, it's like reverse culture shock, like coming home to the familiar. This leaves me in such an odd state.

In Monterey, I was happy, deeply happy, if not missing my friends. I was doing well in school, I had accomplished one of my personal goals, and while things weren't perfect, it was close. Here I'm not as happy, but my situation is much more rounded and familiar. I do miss my job because I miss the puzzle solving aspect and my coworkers more than I realized. I miss living in a town with more than three thousand adult residents. I miss my familiar haunts and activities. I could be happy here I think, if I wanted to be.

Going back to school in Monterey is hard and already I'm dreading it, but I know it's for the best to shake up my comfort zone, but then the little part of me asks if that's right, and why can't I be content with an accounting licence that VSP will pay for? Or just suck it up and go to Sac State? Why do I need this all to validate myself? I can't seriously be that insecure that I need a peice of paper to tell me how smart and accomplished I am, right? Or is this really even about me? Who the hell am I trying to prove myself to?

Proof

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:21:42 GMT

I've been reading up about becoming a vegetarian. Cut out the meat basically, and avoid going total vegan. I probobly should cut out milk since I'm discovering my body can't process it.... but that would include cheese and ice cream, and for the state of my mental health I can't do that. I don't think this is an ethical decision, since I belive in the use of animal byproducts like leather and tissues for human use, but I can't ignore the idea that, until America changes the way we eat and reduce the amount of beef we consume, I'm having a part in damaging the enviroment for no reason other than to fill my belly. I do belive in alternate meats like ostrich, but really, that's expensive. I don't eat much sea food (sushi being my exception), so I never feel guilty about the sea watch signs.
But really, I think I would like to prove to myself that I can do without meats. I did it once before in high school, but I chalk that one up to more of a physical reaction than a mental desision.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

Deployement

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:24:45 GMT

After all the run around AFRC was giving me about my potential deployment, I am no longer going. I am heading out to Atlanta again which puts me in direct contact with the officer who actually handles this stuff, but it looks like this is a done deal.

Pro- not going to a dangerous country
Con- I'm not going to be able to afford a new(er) car and/or a mac book

Time to sign up for summer school....

Feb 14

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:41:25 GMT

I don't care much for Valentines Day, for lots of reasons. Mostly reasons which are in sync with my life and thus terrible. Even if Valentine's day doesn't end up being terrible, something goes wrong. I remember once deciding to drink the day away... and I did... and then i puked up conversation hearts.

But this year was actually good. Likely the best ever. And even though there were a million ways for the day to go wrong, it didn't.

I got up early, drove to Santa Clara to take the CPOT test. And I passed and legally became an optician. After that I drove to Sacramento (my car didn't break down! how nice!), got my hair cut, my make up done, went clothes shopping and basically fucked around for 5 hours. After that, I went and surprised my mom for her birthday at Scott's seafood. After that I caught a movie and knocked out.

All in all, it was a very nice day. =)

Also, a rainbow! What a nice thing to wake up and drive past.

Yes, I have most of my food stored inside my desk.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:46:30 GMT

Cliffbar's Recall

Shit.

Anyone else have a suggestion for a new breakfast that's NOT going to get recalled and can be eaten when running to class (literally running).

If I ever taught High School English, I would have a semester of modern male writers

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:08:32 GMT

Reading of The Rumpus.net, led me to this piece from The reverse cowgirl about modern men's lit called Why do Young Male Writers Love Icky, Tough Guy Deadbeats? I've never considered Kerouac as dick lit for it's time, but I guess it can be seen in that prospective. A modern man on a journey through the wild cities of 1950/60's America... Kinda Lewis and Clark if they had a car and ran outta gas. And then smoked some pot. I don't quite argree with Susannah's opinion, but there's 3 differing opinions on the subject which I think really made me want to share this article. Enjoy?

Ps- Still love Fight Club, even if is dick lit written by a gay man.

Mostly about shoes

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 03:30:28 GMT

Want And this too
OMG! I want but don't. I dunno if I could pull of 9 inches of heel.
Would want this too if it were a dentist. When will they get something like this for eyeballs? hrm? (side note: I have 4 molars like this. Anyone wanna make some bitchin necklaces?)
What is this shit?? I'm sorry guys, but you aren't henry the 8th and this will make you look like a transexual. Put down the stockings.

Too late to switch tracks now

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:12:22 GMT

I caught myself reading another large publication about sex, this time about the nature of female sexual arousal. It was a good article, going into one of many ideas that maybe women are completely narcissistic and get turned on by being desired. It's an interesting way to look at things (The link's here is you're interested).

While I was reading the piece, I realized that maybe I've passed beyond a pervy fascination of sex and sexual behaviors and into actual study. I've read countless articles, explorations, listened to lectures and picked up 4 different books on the subject (My first being my parent's Joy of Sex which I read at 11 or so for the psychology bits of it rather than the really dated drawings). By far, I doubt I've independently studied anything more than I have human sexuality, and no, I'm not counting 'hands on' study.

The more I read, the more I study, the more I love the material and the research about it, and of course, sharing that information. I realize that maybe I should become a sex therapist or some sort of researcher into that field so I stop sounding like a pervert and more like a scientist, add some credibility and all that. I know I could easily take my little premed major and head off in that direction, but for the psychology bit, it is a little late for that.

Back (not) Home

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 03:04:17 GMT

After 6 weeks in Sacramento, I'm back in Monterey... and it's weird.

Mostly because I'm alone. There's no one in my room with me so i effectively have a 10 by 20 space all to myself Bitchin. If I had a guy, I could theoretically bring him back without any issues... you know, other than having a very tiny bed.
On the other hand, this means I lack a side kick. Other than Megan, who's under 21 and thus excluded from beach blanket wine parties and playing games like sticking the outta towner with the bar tab, I'm kinda stuck. Also the room is gigantic. I might make it larger by bunking the beds REALLY giving myself a closet.

Also, this will be a nice place for folks to crash if they wanna come visit. This is really good because I dunno when I'll be home next since my mom was screaming at me when i literally ran out of the house. I figure I'll be allowed back sooner or later since my dad hasn't called me to have someone come get my TV and assorted bits of stuff that I've left in their care. But until then, folks will have to come visit me.

There was gonna be a post here

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 06:19:59 GMT

I was going to write about how I was bored after having finished up seeing Lydia and Richard and having dinner with them, but, turns out Marisa's also bored so it's time for a bored party! Wooo!

New Year and such

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 07:43:44 GMT

A few more days and I go to the base to work. 12 days and then my vaccation is done. I actually don't want to go back. I'm feeling a little depressed. I'm feeling a little lost. I've got a heavy load this semester and I'm not really sure I want to bother. I will because I feel like I should, like I need to in order to get my shitty little life headed in the right direction finally, to meet a lofty self goal of making something of myself and making myself more desirable. Because that's what it comes down to, catching the biggest fish in your pond; getting married and making babies.
26 this year and I feel old. Tick-tock, I suppose. 6 more years of school if everything goes right. I'll still be 32 no matter what, but it's hard facing up to the fact I likely won't really be starting my life until then.
I don't want to go back, I'm dreading it, but I will, because all my stuff is there. Home isn't about where I lay my head as much as where all my pretty clothes are.
Pretty clothes I never wear enough at school.

Shit

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:59:48 GMT

VSP's revanue area always gets overwhelmed with New Year- New Business. When I left in the summer there was talk about me coming back during breaks and filling it, but apparently I'm not needed currently. So I have no job over the winter which leaves me with a few options. I could take a class over the winter break (because damn, I love my language requirements), I could go on orders for the entire time (maybe...), I could find another job, or I could do nothing and spend the entire time sitting around. Hrm... Honestly I should sign up with a temp agency and pick up positions whenever I have a break, but we'll see.

Pass me the ritalin, I have astrophysicis to master!

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:53:41 GMT

I was linked to a really interesting article about Genius by Malcolm Gladwell which is an extract from his book Outliers. It's very interesting and reinforces the idea that it's impossibly hard to just be 'naturally good' at something.
10,000 hours of practice. You could essentially acheive mastery of something by practicing for about 6 to 7 hours a day for 4 years. Every day. Streach that out to 10 years and it's only 3 hours a day.

The idea makes me feel devious....

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:55:08 GMT

This link is mostly for Adam, who in high school, had a detailed conversation with me about subtle differences of being male or female and how and why those differences are. We skirted the nurture bit of the argument, mostly because i don't think either of us had been deeply introduced to the concept yet or the constant debate surrounding it, but instead the physiology of it and implication of the genetic building of each sex. And then i found this article linked on Mental Floss. Interesting really.

And, oh yeah, I'm home now from Atlanta, but most folks know this.

Location, Location, Location?

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 22:55:59 GMT

I set up train tickets to take me home prior to my flight to Atlanta. I didn't have to and I could have insisted on either a hop form San Jose or a direct flight, but I dind't because I want to come home. I don't miss any one thing, but I miss the people. There's nothing I really like here other than the location. I have only 2 friends really, and one leave in December and the other at the end of the year. I've got no boyfriend because this place forces their young to leave the area at the age of 22 and not return until they're 40. I'm serious. There's a handful of people in my age group, and that isn't to say I haven't tried dating, but I'm way over these guy's heads. I have no social circle, no family, very few friends and a school which is going to take too long. But I've committed to this and I'll see it through, I just don't think it's going to be the experiance I really want. It's a shitty thing when I look forward to going to work at the base because I get to see some of my friends.

On the upside, I run, everyday, just to shut my brain off. I'm still not to where I need to be, but I'm getting better and that makes me happy. If only I could get rid of my pesky love for sugar, and maybe food in general I could make a play for the 5 guys over the age of 25 in this stupid town. Then maybe I wouldn't be so damned depressed if I was getting laid regularly.

Woo!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:31:11 GMT

By the 1st, Texas will no longer be the furthest east I've ever been.

PS: Miss you all =(

Conflicts of money and homesickness

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:23:36 GMT

The train ticket home, round trip is 62$, not including any taxes which my mil discount takes care of. The was a train leaving tonight, but by the time I realized I wanted to come home, it wasn't really worth it because the next train wouldn't put me in Sacramento until 11am. I would have to leave Sunday at 3pm. 62$ for 28 hours... Not really worth it. Not right now. The situation is really the same if I drove.. granted if I drove I could be home by 10pm tonight and I could come and go as I pleased, but it would cost very much the same in gas.
The shitty part is that I leave once a month to the valley anyways, but can't make it home because of work. Next semester's not much better either with time constrains of leaving and being gone Mondays and Fridays. I really feel homesick for no reason other than the shitty end of last week is bringing me down at the end of this one. There's not much to distract myself with here.. yeah, I should have gone for my run and maybe that's why I'm outta sorts now, but I lost my flash light and my insane roommate has convinced me there's mountain lions on campus.
Eh, just gotta suck it up and stop being a baby.

Who thinks they're going to Atlanta?

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:39:11 GMT

Me!

Everything goes to hell in 4 Days

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 03:56:27 GMT

It did. It really really did all go to hell over the last 4 days. My life doesn't suck, but sometimes the day can.
The worst thing that happened was my car attempting suicide on the 101 in Gilroy last night. So I'm dropping 200$ on fizxing it so I can make it back to school and then work on fixing another 200$ worth of immediate issues... you know, on top of needing a new rear axel and boot. The repairs on my car haven't exceeded the cost of it ... yet, but it'll get there soon.
Oh yeah... I also got pulled over trying to be a good person.

Destination?

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:29:38 GMT

On the advice of my captain at Travis, I started looking at other careers my pre-med degree would offer me, namely pharmacy as it's one of the more lucrative careers.
This school is located in Rancho. It's not accredited yet, but I've got 3 years to wait (as they don't start mi year on programs and currently I'm here for 5 semesters). The other option being UOP in Stockton.
At 36K (estimated) a year not to include housing, I'm looking at 200K in loans. This sucks. But considering I could potentially pull in 90K a year upon graduation, I suppose it could be manageable if I meet up with a financial adviser soon after graduating. I just really don't look forward to molecular modeling.... I'm not good at it now, I doubt I'll be good at it later.
Optometry is still a totally viable option really. I like optometry, I really really do. I'm really good at at which isn't somehting which happens often, but the field is shrinking to cooperate practice (lenscrafters and Kaiser) not to mention that I'm not sure I would want to set up my own practice.
Doing anything really cool with my bio degree always requires post graduate work, even lab tech as geneticist and the like requires doctorates as well.
Well, it's not as if I had any plans until I was 30...
But the thought of not getting married and not having kids until after then is frighting to me and I doubtfully could handle both.

I guess I could always pole dance my way through college.

Oh yeah, here's this week's picture: My proposed class schedule for the next 5 semesters. Each semester is about 20 units ...